respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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