I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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