I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
