I can text with my tongue
I want you more than these girls want KFC
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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