How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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