You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
