He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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