dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
