I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
