It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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