i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
