Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
