i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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