I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize