I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
