Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
