I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
