i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
