if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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