Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
