I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
