i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
