he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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