ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
