so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I still have a little drunk in my system
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
