Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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