I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i barfeds in our rink
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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