Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
