He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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