Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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