I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
