dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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