if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
