My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
