Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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