the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The best revenge is premature balding
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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