i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
