nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
