Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize