Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you didnt know i had herpes?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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