dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Randomize
