She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
