He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize