I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
