If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So many bounce houses so little time
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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