I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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