What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
