my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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