everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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