i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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