So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
