I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
