I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
