he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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