Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
