Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
