he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
