WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
